I’ve had some downright ugly cries these last years. Having been a caregiver of a terminally ill husband, I nearly drowned. I had to fight to regain myself, and learn to find the new me. I was one, with the loss, who had had half of her body chopped off and who wanted to crawl in bed and die. I have made sounds that I didn’t know a human being could make.
Grief is a curious fellow and it takes on many forms, sometimes many times in the same day. Other times one form of grief can stomp all over you day, after day, after day. I am not one to stuff my feelings and work hard to fully embrace them in a healthy manner. I used to stuff them and know the damage that causes and how the subconscious mind will use that to hold me back from living a life of freedom.
That subconscious mind is a tricky one and will cause us to self sabotage in order to protect ourselves from perceived possible pain. Many times, it festers, and we can never figure out WHY we cannot do the things we want to, why we cannot move forward and embrace the gifts being placed in front of us. We become anxious, fearful, agitated, isolated, sad, depressed and cannot seem to move forward. We often act out somewhat irrationally and do not do what we intend to do. We don’t hear the whispers of the subconscious with varying forms of grief attempting to keep us in a bubble.
But what is life without taking healthy risks? Why allow the subconscious and grief to dictate our lives?
We are more powerful than that.
Forgive is defined as:
stop feeling angry or resentful toward (someone) for an offense, flaw, or mistake.
Breaking down the word, for means in support of and give means freely transfer the possession of something to someone. What if you begin to be in support of freely transferring the anger (sadness turned inward and stored) and resentment over to the offender? What if you freely let that go and no longer possess sadness, anger, and resentment?
Do you need to have a discussion with the offender making them understand and then have reconciliation? Sometimes that may be possible, but other times, it clearly would not be as it would be unhealthy to do so. Other times, like in the case of loss or with a damaged or wounded being, it is just impossible to do this. I think sometimes our unforgivness is a slight attachment to the person because forgiving may mean we are no longer attached. Ponder that for a minute.
Sometimes we forgive, freely hand over the anger and resentment, as an act of release for us. This no longer gives the offender power. It no longer gives the offense power.
My Daddy always said, “Never let another person’s actions direct your behavior.” I propose that forgive is not for the offender or perceived offense. We are the ones carrying the anger and resentment and the burden and emotions that go along with it. There is FREEDOM in forgiveness and letting go. We are releasing, loving forward, and making room for the goodness in front of us that can then come in and take the spaces that the baggage of unforgivness took up. Forgiveness is FOR us. It is a gift for the offended.
I had a conversation this morning with a dear friend who has suffered great tragedy and loss in her life. We talked of Heaven, where our loved ones were, our beliefs, and mostly about love. I became acutely aware of my unforgiveness towards John. I had known for the last 9 months that it was there in the undercurrent of things. Today I say, “I forgive you, John.” For the specifics, that is between us. For the general, I know he did the best he could in this life. He was a fierce and awesome husband, father, son, brother, and friend. I saw the gift of who he is in this world and can only imagine the greater person he is now.
There is FREEDOM found in forgiveness. It is time for me to move forward. I do this with open arms, trusting that I have moved out the baggage of unforgiveness, and made space for the new to come.
Is there someone you need to forgive? Embrace the gift of forgiveness. It is FOR YOU.
Love and wellness,