Mom guilt is real.
The layers for me this year surrounding the anniversary of John’s death have to do with my children. What showed up this January is my mistakes and failures as a mom.
Vivid memories of the last month of his life and the day he died flooded my mind all of January. There were so many things I could have done differently. I could have filmed more videos, written down more things with him for the kids, so many other options.
I could have been PRESENT in the moments, worked to connect my kids to him and him to them. Facilitated Love and the ties of a father to his children.
I was so committed to keeping him here for them that I didn’t see what was staring me in the face. That his time had come to leave this place.
I was in denial. I was still fighting to save his life and believed he could live, until five days before he died, he said he didn’t want to do anything, anymore to live.
I am happy for the fact he died without pain, without meds. It gave him precious days here at home, where he wanted to be, with us. All of the meds given at this stage shorten lifespan. His stint in the hospital sped up the inevitable. They ignored the medication induced auto-immune. They kept attempting to administer meds that he didn’t need, like HBP meds when he had normal readings or meds to raise BP when he had normal BP.
He wanted to come home and I had to fight them to get him released. They said he had 3-6 days. He lived 30 more non-medicated, no pain, on my watch. Precious minutes….
The day he died, I should have been more protective of my oldest, but in all honesty had no idea how things would go down. Let’s just say it wasn’t angels, songs, and beautiful or peaceful. I am so sad and sorry I asked her if she wanted to stay. It traumatized me, it so had to traumatize her.
I could have done so many things differently.
This life is a gift. This February in the month where we think of LOVE, don’t take it for granted. We aren’t guaranteed that those we cherish are here forever. BE PRESENT in this time. PLAN to cherish those you love. TAKE ACTION and SHOW that love in ways that are meaningful, tangent, generous, and even surprising and exciting.
I’m sad for so many things this last January, so much Mom Guilt. Lord knows I am sad and sorry for all of it. Tomorrow is February. I think it’s a new day, and time to forgive myself for the Mom Guilt around it all.
Maybe it’s time to break the chains of Mom Guilt. Maybe it’s time to live in freedom and dream again.
Do you have Mom Guilt? How do you keep from living in guilt as a parent? Comment in the forum where you have read this. Reach out for a discovery call to talk about tools and strategies to improve emotional health.
